I was hoping to publish this on the day of the finale, but I wanted to turn it into spoken word, and just got around to it today.
The transcript is below the video if you’re interested. Enjoy…
So we all know by now, Chris loves to rhyme.
I mean, what can be hotter?
Well, maybe if he put that message in a bottle.
But step aside Chris, because now it’s my turn.
Yeah, I watch The Bachelorette and I’m not afraid to admit it.
So for the next minute, just sit back & relax, while I kick it.
We set sail & travel to this exotic place.
And there’s no trace of human life.
We might as well be in outer space.
3 weeks in and you got to meet my real girlfriend.
Oops, looks like I committed treason.
Come on, girl. You saw the previous seasons.
Hah. And you still thought I was here for the right reasons?!
None of these other guys know what Des & I have.
I swear, this girl, she’s my better half.
Man, I don’t care what I have to do to get that rose.
Even if I have to punch this dude in the nose.
Come on, man, you know how this goes.
This ain’t a show about love. It’s about my ego.
The tension is building at the rose ceremony.
Des, standing there thinking, “I don’t know who to choose!”
Meanwhile, every guy’s up there going,
“Yo, I don’t wanna lose.”
Des… guys… this is the final rose tonight.
Des… when you’re ready.
And then we all place our bets.
We start talking to the TV. We think we know what’s comin’ next.
“Will you accept this rose?”
Of course he’s gonna say yes.
“Can I walk you out?” she says,
As the camera zooms in to watch you pout.
Tears dripping down your face like a busted water spout.
Come on, dude. You’re nuts.
And she’s not your squirrel.
You keep acting like this,
and you’ll never find a girl.
Then Des says, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
She’s so apologetic.
And he says, “I don’t understand. Why am I so pathetic?”
“Des, you’re making a big mistake.”
Yeah, like you know what’s best for her after, what, 3 dates?!
“Ah, I think I’m falling…”
Girl, the only thing falling is the sky.
And you better open up your eyes.
Because these guys aren’t in love with you.
And you’re not fallin’ for them.
And neither was Brad or Sean or John or Ben.
There’s no love on this show.
Not now. Not then.
It’s just a bunch of hot bodies & beautiful faces.
Traveling the world in this beautiful oasis.
“Oh Desiree, I love you.”
And then you watch my nose grow like Pinocchio.
Because I realize this is just a TV show.
The only rose is the color in your glasses,
that you’re seeing this thing through.
These guys aren’t really here for you.
So now that we’re on TV, for the whole world to see. Desiree, will you marry me?
It’s cool. You can say no. Because this is just another “reality” TV show.